Helping Children Express Anger

Teen and Family Counseling Center, Inc., 307 Orchard City Drive, Suite 206, Campbell, CA 95008
Phone: 408.370.9990 Fax: 408.370.9919 e-mail: info@teenfamilycounseling.org

Anger and Other Feelings in a Positive Way

By Caralee Weich, M.A., LMFCC

Anger is an emotion that everyone feels. By being able to acknowledge it and express it, teens will not have to act it out in the deadly ways that we have seen so recently in the news. What can parents do to help teens understand and deal with emotions and feelings?

Acknowledge: "You seem very mad right now."

Validate: "It's okay to feel angry."

Communicate: Let your child tell you what is upsetting to him/her while you actively listen.

Share your experience: "I know how you must feel, I remember when I asked a girl out and she said no."

Model the behavior you wish to encourage. Your child will experience the conflicts that your family has and how you handle them will influence how he/she handles conflicts.

Deal with your own feelings of anger and get help if necessary. If your anger is out of control, you cannot help your child.

Teach your child a little about anger management and use it yourse1f. In a heated situation, take a deep breath, count to five, think before you speak. Try not to get into heated discussions when you are hungry, tired, or already overwhelmed.

By actively listening as your child talks about his frustration, anger, or sadness, you help them sort out their feelings and find ways to solve the problems. When we seek to understand our children's experience, they feel supported. They know we're on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel, which leads us to further understanding. The more our children can express, the less they need to act out.

DON'T

Talk them out of their anger by saying things like, "You shouldn't be so mad because..."

Question the reasons for their anger: "Why are you so mad about that, it's not that important."

Tell them that it is not okay to be angry: "Don't be mad!"

Invalidate their feelings: "You're not really mad."

Cajole: "Now quiet down, don't be so upset."

Try to fix it for your child: "Why don't you call another friend? Or go outside?" Ask your child how he/she would like to handle it.

Isolate: "Go to your room until you can come out here with a happy face."

Bribery: "If you stop that crying right now, I'll take you for ice cream.”

These reactions will minimize and dismiss your child's feelings. They will shut down communication, teach your child that it upsets you to hear their negative or unpleasant feelings, and teach them to put on a false front. It will confuse them when they feel one thing and are told they feel something else. It limits opportunity for closeness and intimacy.

By investing time and energy in our children’s emotional growth, and being positive role models ourselves, we can help our teens to better cope with the conflicts and problems that they will face.

How to Help Your Child Express

Anger and Other Feelings in a Positive Way