MOVING UP:  Parents & Adolescents

By:  Cathy Waldron, MFT

As all parents of teenagers have experienced, the teen years are unsettled at best and chaotic at worst.  This period of transition marks a very important and definitive direction in one’s life.  However, this direction comes primarily through trial and error, hopefully accompanied by adult guidance.  This highly experimental period in which the teen tries on multiple different roles can cause a great deal of family unrest and disappointment.  It can also be a time of exciting learning for both age groups.

One of the models that makes the most sense to me is consideration of the changing parent roles and methods of communication with their teens.  This model borrows from the business world.  Basically, it states that as the child develops through adolescence, the parent’s role changes from that of a Manager to a Consultant.  Here are some examples.

One of the tasks of adolescents is to focus on identity of the self.  This defining of identity includes developing a personal philosophy of life to guide all decisions.  The parent who may be used to planning his/her daily/weekly/seasonal activities can step back by small paces encourage the teen to try out new things, to get involved in activities (clubs, sports, drama, community service, political campaigns, etc.) which will help the adolescent broaden his/her view of self.  An essential part of this process is to engage the teen in conversations of what went well, what could have gone better, what goals and values are available to strengthen future decisions.

Many describe adolescence as an emotional roller coaster.  We do know through experience and research that feelings are particularly strong and confusing in this period.  Developing hormones can be extremely confusing as well as compelling.  In early adolescence, a formerly confident child frequently becomes excessively self-conscious and awkward, especially around members of the opposite sex.  In middle adolescence, some of the awkwardness disappears.  Most frequently teens between age 14 and 16 become more sure of themselves in social situations.  However, boredom, lower grades, fear of success, lowered dreams and future goals may have become a way of life.  The teen is looking for adventure, power, contact and protection.  He/she also needs more time to withdraw and sort through feelings and meaning.  To build confidence in these important areas, parents can find ways to give their teen more influential roles in determining personal and family plans.  Most teens rise to the occasion when they feel respected and included.  When parents step back from their manager behaviors:  assuming they know everything, rescuing and explaining, directing, making generalizations, holding unreal expectations, the teen has more room to explore his/her feelings and capabilities.  When parents become more curious than judgmental, the teen can develop his/her sense of agency in life.  Just as a consultant asks more questions than gives answers and helps the client sharpen and broaden possibilities, the parent can share his/her knowledge more indirectly – and more effectively – with the teen. 

Another discipline many parents have found extremely effective is to make sure they comment on positive behaviors at least as often as negative actions.  “Catch them at being good” sums it up.

As the teen’s brain develops, so does the capacity and inclination to argue.  Teens have an enormous need to express their uniqueness and to prove themselves as independent thinkers.  Parents can help their teens develop the art of negotiation by respecting the teens’ right to his own opinion and by encouraging him to speak his mind.  Of course, parents will need to clarify their own rights to express themselves.  Parents who actively listen more than they lecture will help the teen think through the issue.  Asking questions for clarification, reflecting back what the teen says, identifying the feeling underneath the statement/argument, looking at options and possible consequences, asking open-ended questions  will help the teen develop good problem solving skills.  Teens need to know what they think and believe.  They need more than rules to guide them.  When parents are able to have follow up discussions with their teens, they provide their teen with an informal and important way of evaluating their decisions and behaviors.  The emphasis in these follow up discussions is to help the teen discover his/her understanding of what happened and what may improve similar situations in the future.